breaking up in order to preserve the friendship
My now ex and I had been living together for 2 years (and staying
over at each other's place at least once a week during
the year before that).
Initially it was great - we were sick of having to travel
to each other's place all the time, especially because
our timetables were becoming more hectic (I'm a uni
student and was often working on evenings, she's an
attendant carer so sees her clients at random times all
over the place, plus she goes to the gym several times a week,
etc., etc.).
However, we both started to go through some really hard
times. On a day of really wet weather during rush hour she
accidentally bumped into the back of another car that stopped
too quickly in front of her (an easy mistake given the circumstances).
Her car was stuffed, and she had no 3rd party insurance (her
parents thought they'd taken care of it, but they were
mistaken), so there began her financial hardship
Meanwhile, during the last year I had spent any money that
I'd saved up during my year off before uni already.
I was constantly struggling to find decent work (e.g. one
of my employers simply disappeared, due to a debt he couldn't
pay to the mob or something most likely, and still owes me
$200).
The government was paying me an allowance of $270 per fortnight
to help me out while I was at uni - but when your rent is $180
per fortnight, and that doesn't include bills, groceries,
not to mention the uni enrollment fees, textbooks, etc.
- needless to say, my expenditure was still exceeding my
income, and I was constantly having to borrow money from
her.
It just got totally out of hand. I was very soon $1000 in debt
to her, and $500 in debt to the uni. The strain of financial
hardship combined with a host of other difficulties I was
having at the time (poor grades, inability to find work
/ hold down a job, the collapse of heaps of hard work I'd
been putting into clubs & societies at uni, etc.),
just became way too much for me.
I don't know whether I actually had a break down - if
not I most certainly came close. I felt like a parasite,
feeding off her emotional support, her money, her life.
Whenever I didn't have classes to attend I felt like
a ghost haunting that flat by myself, forever waiting for
her to come home. Shed come home and Id pounce on her straight
away wanting attention, wanting relief, respite, anything
she could give me.
Of course it was hard on her she was having her own problems,
too! But I was only concerned for myself. I became deeply
depressed, and was constantly complaining about my hardships.
I stopped listening to her, and she started to feel even
more alone feeling lonely when youre not alone is the
worse feeling, as some of you may know. It was only natural
for her to lash out at me the only emotional support shed
ever had (her family were never really that good; she could
never tell them anything), and Id totally backfired on
her.
With all the animosity between us, and a love apparently
lost, I was so deeply depressed that even my friends were
losing respect for me. That was the lowest point for me.
I was lost. I knew what it was I was supposed to be doing to
get out of that hole, I just couldnt find the motivation
to do it; didnt know where to start. All I needed was just
one uplifting moment to start the ball rolling back up the
hill. I tried everything, with each failure causing me
to slink back down into depression more and more exhausted.
I even thought about religion maybe the love of God could
somehow substitute for my apparent lost love for her?
but to no avail (not that I have anything about religion,
mind you, Im still on the lookout for a good one check my
profile and youll see some of the things Ive come across,
lol)
Because my friends were no longer able to support me (they
were part of the source of my problems in my eyes), I turned
to the internet. People online cant sense the air of depression
about you instantly they look at a photo of you taken in
happier times and they think youre a likeable fun-loving
sort of guy. They have no history with you. Its a chance
for new beginnings. A chance for a pseudo-romantic affair
that no one else has to know about, a chance to gain a moment
of inspiration that I might hold on to and claw my way out
of the pit of despair.
I became obsessed. I was constantly searching for new people
to talk to. I think she started doing the same because she
never had many friends to begin with, and was probably in
the same boat as me in many says (reaching out, etc.). We
both started talking idly about seeing new people, that
we shouldnt pin ourselves to a life-long relationship
when we had hardly even met many new people (as I said, she
was only my second, and I her first)! We knew that we still
had to live together because we didnt know anyone who we
could move in with to share the rent, etc., so we talked about
casual relationships with other people while still maintaining
our own.
Little did I know that it was mostly my idea; that she was
only trying to make me happy and wasnt really interested
in it at all. Meanwhile, all that time on the net when there
was no one to talk to and I did what any other young adult curious
about sex does and downloaded a bunch of porn. I ran out of
places to find free porn (or just got sick of having to search
through it for the best stuff), so I started trading porn
with other people online. I even started having cybersex
with people. And then phone sex. I was talking about meeting
people for sex. I started searching the swingers n singles
sites for times, dates, etc.
No one was interested in a single male, though especially
one who sounded so much like a loser as me (I could no longer
hide my depression even online, my language was all negativity).
Because shed said she was interested in swinging, I started
to send pics of her and I to people, saying what sort of things
shes interested in, etc. In order to maintain the charade,
I even started chatting to people as her. My own dark fantasies
entered my conversations as her, with my saying that I/she
is interested in all sorts of things that she would never
really do in real life.
I came very close to meeting someone for sex for real, but
gladly she didnt go through with it. Pretty soon I realised
how wrong it was what I was doing. Id betrayed her trust.
I knew Id lose her if ever she found out. I knew I was having
serious problems. I started seeing a counsellor. However,
all he seemed to do was listen, hed never suggest anything,
never try to motivate me to make changes in my life. I was
no longer whinging to her constantly, which was one good
thing, but I was sick of complaining I didnt want to tell
the counsellor all about my problems, I wanted to pick up
my feet and actually make some changes in my life!
And I have, too. I sat back and thought about the bigger picture.
I decided to alleviate the stresses in my life and get back
to basics. It was a long and bumpy road, little by little,
inch by inch, the ball has ever so slowly started rolling.
I took some time off uni to find full-time work in order to
pay off my debts. She and I started taking dancing lessons
as a more active and productive way of spending time together
(rather than just watching movies which, as enjoyable
as it is, is actually a very passive pasttime; you cant
heal wounds by watching movies together).
The dancing was going great a little frustrating at first
when we had difficulties (we came into the semester a few
weeks late and had a lot of catching up to do), but we pushed
through them. I clawed my way out of the depression, and
actually managed to find a research assistant job with
another university and had the opportunity to get paid
based on how hard I worked not just by the hour. I was recruiting
people for surveys over the phone and in person at train
stations and shopping centres, and then chasing up their
responses later on. And boy did I work hard! I didnt even
have to work full-time in order to earn enough money that
I could start paying the uni back. I was able to search for
more work while I was still working for them.
Once the momentum had build up enough, it became more and
more easier to push the ball faster. I found an even better
job, and paid back the uni in no time. Our relationship was
improving in leaps and bounds. Pretty soon Id even paid
her back, and was finally for the first time in years able
to treat her as often as I knew she deserved. Soon wed saved
up enough money to go on a road trip along the coast, which
was just fantastic exactly what we needed. We learned
to surf, went horse riding, and just somehow managed to
spend time together without biting each others heads
off for a change.
She was still chatting to people online quite often (it
was always very innocent for her just friends), but Id
given it up completely. I just wanted to put the past behind
me and forget Id ever slumped so low. Everything was looking
up for me, and I could see a career ahead of me, and a possible
life-long companion in her. But the past came back to haunt
us. Id never told her about how far Id gone online.
One day she left icq to load while she walked off doing the
housework or something. When she came back she received
a message saying hi , how are you?
etc. So she straight away assumed that it was her account
that had loaded up. Soon she discovered that it wasnt her
account and, upon perusing the history, realised what
it was Id done. She felt like her very image had been spoiled.
She didnt know whether I really did think she was interested
in those things, whether I really had such a low opinion
of her. She thought I was trying to prostitute her or something.
I tried in vain to explain to her that it was something I did
while I was troubled, that I was sick, that I was seeing a
counsellor, etc., but she couldnt understand. And rightly
so! I must have seemed schizophrenic to her the paradigm
of a perfect partner at the time in my real life, and a horror
of a person online. I tried everything I could to explain
to her why I did what I did, but Id betrayed her trust, and
without trust love cannot exist Id lost my chances of
ever being in that sort of relationship again, and I accepted
that, I knew that it was my fault and I needed to repent
for it so to speak.
However, I hoped that we could still be friends. In fact,
since everything was going so well in our lives, we did a
remarkably good job of it considering we were still living
together. Wed tried breaking up a few times during my most
difficult period (that was part of the impetus for my spontaneous
bouts of infidelity that wasnt quite infidelity I had
thought at the time), but it never really worked that well
while we were still together. Its to hard to love so close
to someone you have known so intimately and trying to deal
with missing that intimacy without simply reverting to
old habits so to speak.
However, we somehow were able to manage it better this time.
I mean, we had sex, but each time it was more like a this is
the last time type thing, not a Im so sorry, lets get back
together. The strange combination of the fact that I felt
so guilty over what Id done, combined with the fact that
I was actually making something of my life and not being
such a parasite, etc., enabled her to find some respect
for me in a certain way, and it looked like we were on the road
to recovery. We decided that we should well and truly break
up and never get back together in order to remain friends
rather than become enemies by trying to force the relationship
too far.
Unfortunately, thats when her sister entered the scene.
She needed a place to stay while she was in town looking for
her own place. She never really liked me, and my girlfriend
really had no one to talk to about what Id done shed spoken
to some people online, but she needed a real person to confide
in. So, of all people, she chose to confide in her sister
the one that hated me most. She couldnt quite tell her
the entire background to the story, and instead just gave
her a simplified one telling her that Id posted pics of
her and me on the internet advertising free sex, etc. Of
course her sister said shed been cheated, that I was not
even worth maintaining a friendship with, that she should
even take me to court for fraud or defamy or something!
She was so vulnerable at that time that she quite believed
it true. She started to believe my every word was poison,
and she wouldnt listen to a word I said. She ended up telling
the rest of her family, so of course I knew that there was
no chance that I could ever be friends with her enough to
be invited over for Christmas or anything anymore, but
I figured oh well we can still be friends secretly or whatever.
There must be some chance of recovering the friendship.
Sure enough, even after she moved in with her sister and
brother-in-law, we were still dancing together. Dancing
has been our saviour, I tell you! She has found it really
difficult living with her the other two; very chummy in
their newfound happiness. I cant imagine how hard it has
been for her, especially since her sister has not been very
supportive and bitches about her seeing me at all, etc.
I have been there through everything. I have been the best
of friends to her not so much trying to make up for the wrong
Id done to her, but putting all I had into being a good person
because I never wanted to slump so low again. Somehow, through
everything, we have come out the best of friends. Ill never
ask her to forget what I did, nor even to necessarily forgive
me, but somehow I think she has learned to deal with it.
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