Social Philosophy
I think that a lot of the problems leading to sexual frustration
and unhappiness stem from a lack of understanding, both
of the people we are attracted to and ourselves. By understanding
where we are all coming from and the environment we are in,
we can gain insight for improved communication, better
overall experiences and more of them. Because who doesn't
like to have orgasms? We are hard-wired to enjoy them and
to seek them out with people that we are attracted to.
Unfortunately for all of us americans, our society was
founded by puritans, people who firmly believed that sex
was bad for you. There was even a small sect of people who
took vows of celibacy, the Shakers. Coincidently this
is why there are no more Shakers, they made great furniture
and ran orphanages, but eventually they died out because
they produced no new Shakers. So every american has this
little nun in the back of their heads saying "that's
naughty and you'll get punished" whenever we
think about or do anything sexual. The fact that we have
so many television shows that only show sex in a dangerous
or derogatory fashion is a fairly strong indicator of this.
As well, these graphic representations, so prevalent
in our culture, reinforce our fears and dysfunctions all
the more.
For this reason, and this reason alone we need to reassure
our sexual partners that everything is alright, they are
still good people; just to quiet the nun in the back of their
heads.
Another good idea is to pick people to have sex with that
you actually like spending time with, have common interests
and things like that. Sure the occasional fling isn't
bad, it keeps life interesting, but if you can be friends
with someone that will reduce the societally induced emotional
trauma of having sex. That seems really awful and it is,
guilt is emotional trauma and we are taught from birth to
associate sex with guilt or pain.
This is why we have so many fetishes and hang-ups, it's
real damn hard not to associate sex with pleasure so we now
associate pleasure with guilt and pain. It doesn't
matter how well we understand that sex is a good thing, on
some level we still associate it with guilt and that is the
emotional reaction we most often feel even when just fantasizing
or masturbating. So we relegate this entire portion of
our existence to high school locker rooms and bathroom
walls.
The real issue and cure, is that we almost exclusively
refuse to talk about sex in any meaningful way with the people
we are having sex with. These are the people who are interested
in making your fantasies come true and vice versa and yet
almost every native-born american still can't simply
say or answer the question; what would you like? We are afraid,
paralyzed by our induced fear of rejection and that keeps
us unhappy and unfulfilled. Realize that if you make someone's
fantasies come true they will be a lot more open to making
yours come true. All it takes is one leap of faith and you
can live your wildest dreams.
Once you've taken that leap, keep going, talk about
sex in a mature way, accept that you don't know everything
and start finding out, you'll have a lot more fun.
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