I'd no more love only one kind of woman than drink only one kind of wine...John Denver
There is nothing "wrong" with monogamy in marriage
just as there is nothing "wrong" with drinking
the same for your entire adult life. However, both can lead
to a very boring life. An appreciation of the uniqueness
and excellence of a multitude of fine wines would never
be realized if a "momogamous" relationship
to a single wine were observed over one's lifetime.
This same logic applies to a marriage.
There was a justifiable reason why the wine you drank when
you were 20 was your favorite and the chances are very high
that it will remain your favorite even as you experience
the flavors and textures in these other wines. To try another
types of wine is to learn to appreciate all the differences
and rejoice in the variety of senses stimulated by a deep
aroma of a hardy burgandy or the oaken aroma of a chardonnay.
To begin to understand this writing, one must ask themselves,
"Does appreciating all the unique attributes of
the various types of wine lessen one's appreciation
for one's favorite wine"? Certainly not, the
unique experience of tasting new wines only heightens
the pleasure one invariably finds in returning to the unique
attributes and comfortable familiarity of that special
wine found and chosen 20 years ago.
When I first asked my wife of 22 years to seek and enjoy "sips
of wine" with other male partners as I wanted to "sip
wine" with other female partners, she was upset and
hurt by my revelation. I was accused of being unfaithful
to her and our marriage. However, early in our marriage,
she had embraced an attitude and sexual expression of lets
explore whatever our sexual desires may be together and
so long as we both agree, lets try what we want. Although
not spoken, I recognized her current fears of contracting
sexual diseases were part of her concern but the primary
concernwas because she felt she had lost some of her magic
and was afraid that I was looking for her replacement. I
had anticipated these objections and needed a non threatening
way to tell her my open marriage request was not a statement
of her failing but instead my need to make our marriage even
better by both of us learning to appreciate what we could
learn from others.
I had over the months prior to getting the courage to tell
her my thoughts, I thought about the line from John Denvers
song, "I saw a Berkley Woman". That is when I
knew how I could explain my feelings that I could no more
love just one kind of woman than drink only one kind of wine.
As I told her, I can read the wine bottle labels, hold the
bottle in my hand but until I taste the wine, I have not experienced
the unique essence of it. I explained that we both needed
to taste new wines in order for us both to expand our own appreciation
for the excellent vintage we have always had between us.
To actually experience and taste a new wine is the only way
to appreciate the wine you so familiar with. I belayed her
fears of being replaced by explaining to her that one does
not throw away a good bottle of wine when one finds another
good bottle. A better idea is to share both bottles with
someone special and appreciate the individuality of each
bottle. When I explained it in this manner, she understood
that she was not being discarded and replaced but instead,
being appreciated for the good wine that she is.
Today, we both taste other wines on occasion with all the
appreciation for the vintage in the wine rack in our own
home. Sometimes we bring a new bottle of wine in the home
because it is so special that it needs to be shared and sometimes
we do not mention the wine we tasted because it was not up
to the standards we have come to enjoy.
So for those who would like a way to discuss this with your
wife, whom you love, here is a way to open the discussion
with goodtaste and in a non-threatening way.
I am hoping to continue tasting new wines until the day I
die because on those days which I try a new wine, it never
fails to make me appreciate the vintage I chose for my first
sip
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