Leaving
Looking out the window of the airplane, I thought of everything
I was leaving behind. Was I making the right decision? I
thought so, but there was that nagging little question
in the back of my mind.
My relationship with Jeff had to end. I was so miserable!
How could I continue to hear the accusations and snide comments?
How could I keep on feeling like I had to isolate myself from
the entire male sex just to avoid arguments with him? Why
was it my job to try to avoid the arguments all the time? Why
should I have to feel like I was punching a clock every single
time I left the apartment? Why should my home, the place
that should be my place of refuge, feel like my prison? How
many tears must one person shed before the other person
could feel secure?
God! How I loved that man! I wanted to marry him and have a
family together. I could picture the children with their
curly, brown hair and sparkling hazel eyes. But, I had to
ask myself, "What kind of father would this man be?"
This was a man that got jealous of my five-year old niece
when I spent one day every two weeks with her. A man that thought
it was funny to chase her into a room with a pair of scissors,
threaten to cut her hair and locked the door so I couldn't
stop him. I was so furious that I was shaking while I picked
the lock. My terrified niece was screaming on the other
side of that door! The worst part? I could hear him laughing
at her. I never brought her to the apartment again. That
was the beginning of the end.
Basically, he is a good, caring man. But, you had to dig through
so many layers to reach that side of him. There was so much
distrust, jealousy, insecurity, sensitivity, cynicism,
pessimism, and anger. He is so angry at the world for so many
things. So angry with life. He believes that life is full
of pain. I am so opposite from that.
I don't know why I stayed with him for so long. Four and
a half years! Sure, there was the love thing, but that isn't
enough to base a relationship. There has to be trust. You
have to be able to trust that the other person will be faithful
and loving and protective. You have to trust the other person
to not break your heart. I trusted him, but he didn't
do the same for me.
What was it about me that he could never trust? I was a good
woman to him. I took care of him. I loved him. I was attentive
to his wants and needs. I craved his body so strongly and
openly that there should have been no doubt in his mind that
I wanted only him.
But, doubt there was. It was right there under the surface
of our relationship. For the entire four and a half years.
It had gotten to the point that I couldn't even go out
to the store or visit my family without coming home to accusations.
What kind of life is it where you are stuck at home all the
time and the person you live with isn't even speaking
to you half the time? How could you possibly be happy?
The absence of trust wasn't the only problem, either.
There was the arguing over every little thing. There was
the way he wouldn't even think of compromising to settle
the arguments and the way I felt slighted and unimportant
when I let him get his way all the time. And let's talk
about that! He was 28 years old but acted as spoiled as an
eight-year old child! I felt like his mother so many times!
I know I didn't make matters any better by giving in
to him all the time, either. That just encouraged him to
keep acting that way.
I realize that I am not blameless in the way things in our
relationship deteriorated. I shouldn't have kept
the fact that I had seen this ex-boyfriend or that ex-boyfriend
at the store or at a mutual friend's home a secret. I
had nothing to hide. I shouldn't have backed down from
things like I did. I shouldn't have allowed him to get
in the way of my meeting new people or going out with friends.
I will make no excuses for any of it anymore. Finally, I had
enough!
When my family decided to move to Korea, I knew I had to go
with them. If I ended things with Jeff and stayed in Tennessee,
I would have just ended up back with him. I still loved him.
I didn't want to give up on something I worked so hard
for, even though I knew in my heart that it had been over for
a while. I didn't want to hurt him.
I wanted a new life. I wanted to love myself again. I wanted
to respect myself again. How could I feel whole and complete
when I was so unhappy?
That is the major reason I was sitting on this airplane with
my passport in my purse. Already, I felt better, like a huge
weight had been lifted off my shoulders. The only regret
I had was that I had stayed for so long.
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