CHILI CONTEST
CHILI CONTEST
If you can read the whole story without tears of laugher
running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you.
**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay
attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third
is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true
this is.
They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo
comes to town.
It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named
Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge
at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call
came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 -- Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
> > Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
kick.
> > Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
> > Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 -- Arthur's Afterburner Chili
> > Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno
tang.
> > Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.
> > Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides
pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 -- Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
> > Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great
kick. Needs more beans.
> > Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good
use of peppers.
> > Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced
from all of the beer.
Chili # 4 -- Bubba's Black Magic
> > Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
> > Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> > Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue!, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn
out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind
me with fresh refills. That 300-LB. bitch is starting to
look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating.
Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 -- Linda's Legal Lip Remover
> > Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
> > Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.
> > Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder
if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that
the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 -- Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
> > Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
> > Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
> > Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself
when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't
feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 -- Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
> > Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
> > Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should
take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to
be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
> > Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've
lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made
of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like
shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing,
its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8 -- Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
> > Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> > Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it
was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the
chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted
to really hot chili.
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