Emotional intimacy - and asking Qs
I was in a convo. with one of my best online pals the other
night, and she kept asking me why this guy did this-and-that.
I asked her - why not *ask him*? I suggested to her that she
would learn a lot more about him, by asking him *why* he did
certain things, than by asking her pals. Or by making conjectures.
I used to write romance advice letters for a 'zine,
and I got this question over and over again. Why do men (women)
do this-and-that.
For example, why do men tell women that they are becoming
horny and/or masturbating to the woman's pic.? Why
does a gal tell a guy that she thinks about him, when it rains?
Okay - we can all speculate. We all have reasonable conjectures.
And we can post messages on great message boards (like this
one :) and/or ask our friends (usually our friends of the
same gender).
I'm going to stake out a position here, and it's
a controversial one.
ASK!!
I want to suggest that in many instances, asking the person
that you're talking to (or in love with, whatever)
... will tell you a lot about them. Open communication,
*direct* communication, these are the things that peel
back the onion-like layers of another person's psyche
(or soul, if that word seems appropriate).
In short: by making inquiries about why another person
is doing something, you learn so much more aobut the person
- not just from the answer, but from *how* they answer the
Q.
Sadly, men are often socialized to hide their feelings.
And women frequently hesitate to ask Qs because they've
had bad experiences in the past, as a result of doing this.
So-o, the result is that in many interactions, everyone
*speculates* about what the other person is really thinking
and/or saying.
I think this is problematic - questions should be asked,
and they should be answered. Why aren't people doing
more of this? After all, we get to know each other so much
better if we do.
Now I'm going to get incredibly forceful and obnoxious
with this post (forgive me :) ... I *know for a fact* that
there are many female readers here who have been socialized
to be reticent, to let the man take the lead, and to simply
*wonder why* he is doing or saying many things. Most of you
gals are over 30, 35, even 40. When are you going to change,
and just ask the guy - straight up - 'why are you saying
(doing) this?'
For you men, I'm going to do the same. What happens to
you, when a woman confronts you? Do you find her less attractive?
Do you feel 'put on the spot'. Do you not realize
that this is precisely why women speculate about your behavior
(because they have had bad experiences in the past)?
Mainly, I'm a bit fed up with the idea that each gender
is somehow (collectively) supposed to read the other's
(collective) mind. Principally because this phenomenon
tends to play itself out on an individual basis. So many
relationships would go so much better, if people could
just *ask* Qs, and feel that it was appropriate to do so.
And also if they felt it was a good thing to have an answer.
This is how we reveal ourselves, to those whom we either
currently (or might) either like or even love.
End of rant, LOL.
|
